Hi,
I need to edit three different kind of writing for my last draft portfolio. If you can do it please contact me ASAP.
Thanks.
Analyzing Text
I chose to analyze a journal from The New York Times Newspaper and to be more specific it took a place on the opinion page. The journal was published on December 5th, 2012 by Sheelah A. Feinberg. The Article show the writer opinion about smoking and how its effect the person health by a negative way. Basically, the structure of the text is simple yet organized. It is simply made up of three paragraphs. Each paragraph is just about four or more sentences. The tone is very formal and informative. The text talks about a lot of details and opinions as well. For example, the first paragraph starts with the highlight of the issue followed by sentences that would explain the reason for victory in the first sentence. Finally, the paragraph ended with a statement that sounded as a matter of fact.
The text explicitly displays feelings of being for the issue which is to make Cigarettes or tobacco companies to release the true statements about their products. The article explicitly explains as well the dangers of tobacco to the human body that these companies have been somehow lying about and try to run away from the truth which well show their dark side. These are very strong statements that show how much the text is for the issue. One of the statements in the text can be cited as an example, “We think that it is shameful that Big Tobacco has been concealing the dangers of smoking for decades.”
The text also tries to convince readers by positively reinforcing the good news that the text is pertaining to. The text is commending the judge in this news who has approved the “ordering tobacco companies to publish corrective statements that say they lied to us about the dangers of smoking and that clearly state the deadly health effects of smoking.” In this particular statement, we see how the text aims to convince the readers that smoking is really not good for the health since the government is already passing laws that will prevent people from falling into sickness and the slow death because of smoking.
It is also very convincing how the text made use of heavy words. Such heavy words are very catchy and convincing to readers. By using “indisputable truth,” readers would easily get the impression that the text is talking about something that they should trust and believe in. Also by using the word “kill” in the statement, “smoking kills more people than AIDS” this text makes it more convincing for the readers and put them in a situation were they have to think more than once before they start smoking the tobacco because of its dangers on their own health.
This text also tries to convince readers through the use of direct quotations from reputable news statements. The more reliable resources included in the text, the more convincing it is. In addition to this, the use of statistical data is also very helpful. In the text it was mentioned that “smoking kills, on average, 1,200 Americans a day.” This is a very helpful statement that would support the stand of the text and convince the reader about the harms of cigarettes. Most of all, the text mainly appeals to the detrimental effects of smoking on the body. People can be very wary in terms of their health so appealing through this would be very effective as well.
Away from the text it self, We can see that the page is very organized and give the reader the choice to move from article to another smoothly by putting a direct link to other articles and pages. Furthermore, the article has many different colors to take the reader attention from the first time. Also we can see that there are variable of advertisement on the page and that can tell us that The New York Times is a very popular newspaper. Moreover, from just looking to the page we can find that this newspaper has numbers of pages on different social networks websites for example: Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and more which show us how this newspaper made it self available for its reader in anyplace at anytime.
All in all, the text was made up of various factors and elements that make it very effective in convincing readers about its stand against smoking. Aside from simply pointing out its stand against smoking, the text also elaborates on the importance that tobacco companies have been lying to the people which could also add emotional appeal that would further drive the readers to realizing that the text has a point and it is able to prove it. By stating the facts in short and direct sentences, the text was able to catch and sustain the readers’ attention. Last but not least, the text was able to achieve its goal efficiently and effectively.
—————————————————————————————————————————————
Professor Feedback:
Very good draft. You’ve done the work at looking at this article from many different angles, and in that, you’ve got all the material necessary to build an even better analysis.
I wonder about the context of the article itself, in that this piece was on the opinion page. Seems to me we could talk about the purposes of the opinion page a bit more, helping a reader to see how that opinion affects the original reader’s perspective. The topic of tobacco use, then, is somehow overshadowed by the fact that it’s an opinion piece — I’d simply parse this out a bit more if you can.
In all cases, you’ve done well, and I look forward to the next draft.
SOCCER in USA
Introduction
Sports have always been a very significant recreational activity in any society. There are different kinds of sports out there and there are different kinds of sports that different societies enjoy and value as well. Each sport has a history behind it and a purpose as well. For all types of sports, it is aimed that camaraderie, sportsmanship and other positive values are enriched. Through constant practice of sports as well, it is aimed that people learn to live healthy and active lifestyles. Sports are not only a form of entertainment and source of happiness for people but it is an activity that has a purpose and structure that also contributes to society.
Many sports involve the use of different tools and items. One of the most used items is the ball. In many sports, balls are used. Some of these known sports are basketball, volleyball, golf, tennis and soccer. There are numerous sports which are very popular worldwide as well. These international favorite sports are also able to bring countries together by letting different countries compete in friendly leagues and competitions through their chosen sports.
Soccer is one of the most popular sports in the world and it has affected different countries such as the United States of America. It may not be the national sport of the country but it is a sport that is well loved and practiced by Americans for years.
History
Soccer in the US started around 1860s. There was a number of soccer clubs established back then. One of these clubs was known as the Oneida Football Club. The Rutgers University and the Princeton University were the said to have conducted the first soccer match known in the history of the United States. This happened back in 1869 and with a score of 6-4, the Rutgers University team won.
In order for the sport to continue its existence in the country and in order to gain more enthusiasts, athletes and supporters for the sport, organizations were established in order to regulate and organize the sport. The first known organization that tried to regulate soccer in the country was the American Football Association. The American Football Association or AFA was founded back in 1886. It was able to successfully carry out its mission during its first year thus being able to conduct the first non-league soccer event in the history of the United States. This non-league event was entitled American Cup.
Men were more active and involved when it comes to playing soccer in the United States. Today, the United States not only owns a men’s national soccer team but a women’s national soccer team as well. Both men and women are now actively participating in the sport and competing worldwide.
The United States Soccer Federation
The United States Soccer Federation of the USSF is known as the official body of authority that regulates and organizes soccer in the United States. This is the organization that promotes and regulates the existence of soccer professionally in the country.
The USSF was founded back in 1913 on April 5. It used to be called the United States of America Football Association. Back in 1974, the organization finally changed its name to United States Soccer Federation. The organization is also a recognized member of the FIFA World Organization which allows the US teams to compete in the very prestigious FIFA Cup.
The USSF continues to support soccer teams all over the country and the different leagues that are done within the country and outside the country. Not only does the USSF regulate and organize soccer in the country but it also continues to raise awareness and support for the sport within the country.
Soccer in the United States Today
Anybody can play soccer today in the United States. People who wish to play and enjoy the sport need not be professionals to do so. There are numerous fields and parks where people can enjoy friendly games of soccer with their friends and families. Soccer has grown to become a part of the American society that it is not surprising to see many people playing soccer in various places of the country. If we talk about the professional level we can say that soccer is on the right track to develop more and more. Jorge Klinsmann “the coach of the United States national team” said that he accept to take over this job because he saw that the American team is read for change, which is clear evidence that this sport on its way to the top.
Friends and families also come together in order to support their favorite teams whenever big competitions or leagues are in action. They either go to the stadiums to watch the games live or stay at home or at a place that could televise the games live as well.
Aside from the support of the people and the organizations, the media has also contributed to the development and establishment of soccer as a sport well-loved by the people. The media has been very influential in making sport known in the United States and will seem to continuously make soccer a sport to watch out for.
Summary
Indeed sports will seem to continuously be a part of life in general. Sports seem to gain more and more support worldwide and are continuously being passed down from generations to generations through education and media. The passion and support of the people for the sport of soccer seems to be very strong and will continue to motivate the existence of the sport in the country. With the help of the media and the continuous interest of the people in the sport, soccer will continue to be a sport that is favored in the country. Hopefully the practice of the sport will also help contribute to the American community.
Work Cited
“The Global Art of Soccer”. CusiBoy Publishing, 2006.
Finlay Mackay. Klinsmann: “You can’t catch up anymore”. ESPN, December 1, 2011.
Professor Feedback:
Very well researched and well organized. And cited proficiently to boot! Great job overall.
I think in terms of focus, you’re well-intentioned here, and you’ve covered many different parts of the sport as an international medium. Think more about making small claims within the different headlines, treating them like mini-reports for your reader. Too, you might do well to bulk up an overarching thesis that fits with these minor claims. In so doing, you may need to do more research. If so, be sure to control the resource as adequately as you’ve the other two.
Tablets
Tablets are today’s most handy computers. They come in different sizes, processor capacities, and prices. Since Apple launched its IPad, other companies that offer much cheaper prices of tablets have come out in the market. Google, most specifically, have launched its Android powered tablets which allows users to own tablets that are cheaper but still offer similar features. Of the wide variety selections of Google android tablets, the Google Nexus 10 is considered as the best android tablets when it comes to size, storage capacity, and price.
There are different android tablets all over the world. Aside from the company Google, there are companies such as Asus and Samsung that offer software that are powered by Android. However, with the different varieties of these tablets, the Google Nexus 10 is still considered as the best, especially in considering the size. Some may prefer the small-sized tablets such as 7 inches, while others would have to mostly prefer a bigger size tablet in order to have a larger view of videos, pictures, and documents. It is simply: the larger the better. The Google Nexus 10 has a 10.1 inch screen. After Google released its Google Nexus 7 tablet, the Nexus 10 is considered as an evolution. This is a tablet that has a retina-searing Super PLS display, which means that it can even be compared to Apple’s iPad 4. With a display that beautiful it’s reassuring to know that it uses Corning Gorilla Glass 2 to keep it in pristine condition (Rogerson).
Google Nexus 10 is also competitive in its processor capacity. It comes with the newest Android 4.2.1 version of the Android software. This means that this is a tablet has powerful
software that no other Android tablets have since most of the Android tablets available today have the Android 4.1 version of the Jelly Bean. This capacity of the processor makes this a dual core device clocked with 1.7GHz in each core. This is even way faster than “Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 10.1 with its mere 1GHz dual core processor” (Rogerson). Thus, Google Nexus 10 does not only come with a good size and display, it also has a swift performance.
Finally, what makes Google Nexus 10 as the best Android tablet yet is its price. In November of 2012, the release price was $399.00 for its 16GB capacity, while it is in US$499 tag for 32GB. This is considered to be cheaper than Apple’s iPad. Considering the features of size and software, the price is way much affordable than the rest of the tablets. While there are tablets that offer the same or cheaper price than the Nexus 10, they still do not offer the same product features.
Tablet madness has gone very viral these days. Tablets have become the friendliest device that goes along with play and work (although most of its users would prefer to use it for play such as movie watching, book reading, games, and internet browsing). Of all the available tablets with variations of prices and sizes, it would be the Android tablet from Google that stands all at the moment. Its 10-inch size with beautiful display, powerful processor, and cheap price made it as the best premium Android tablet so far.
Works Cited
Rogerson, J. “Google Nexus 10 review”. 2013. TechRadar. Web, 3 May 2013.
Professor Feedback:
Good. I see you evaluating many a feature on many a tablet in this piece, which I think shows your abilities as a good writer who’s confident in his process. Very simply, in terms of specifics, I wonder if you could try to depend less on the resource you bring in, as it seems like the arguments in your review are largely his as well. This isn’t entirely bad, just that I want to see what you have to add to the conversation, what evidences your opinion as a possible tablet owner.
2/22/13 Just the Facts on Smoking – NYTimes.com
www.nytimes.com/2012/12/06/opinion/just-the-facts-on-smoking.html 1/3
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Just the Facts on Smoking
Published: December 5, 2012
To the Editor:
Re “Tobacco Companies Are Told to
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article, Nov. 27):
We applaud Judge G ladys Kessler’s
ruling ordering tobacco companies to
publish corrective statements that say
they lied to us about the dangers of
smoking and that clearly state the deadly health effects of smoking.
These statements are not “forced public confessions,” just the
indisputable truth.
The statements will also correct public misconceptions about the
health benefits of “low tar” and “light” cigarettes. Smoking kills, on average, 1,200
Americans a day. We think that it is shameful that Big Tobacco has been concealing the
dangers of smoking for decades.
I n the United States, smoking kills more people than AI DS, alcohol, car accidents,
murders, suicide, drugs and fires combined. I t’s time the American public heard that
sobering fact from the companies that have profited from the loss of life. I t’s not easy to
tell the truth when you’re Big Tobacco, but the time to do so is now.
SHEELAH A. FEI NBERG
New Y ork, Nov. 28, 2012
The writer is executive director of the New York City Coalition for a Smoke-Free City.
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Sig n in Br ookly n En du r es
Ru m or of Its Dem ise
Com e Sit With Me Wh ile I
Cook
Field Sta tion Pa n dor a Tow n ies: Th e Lectu r er
Ha s No Cloth es
Th e Cr oss-Dr essin g of A r t
a n d Cou tu r e a t th e Met
with the mafia.
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Last
Name
13
WRIT 095
Name
Van Paepeghem
4 May 2012
Course Reflection /
Portfolio
Introduction Comment by Russ: Clearly what you take here is that you need others to help you write better, if only to test what you’ve attempted. This is a very big step, and I’m glad you’ve been able to take it as a result of the coursework.
A
new writing habit I picked up from in this writing class is to let other people read what I write
and let them give me there opinions on it. Before this class I was scared to death to let anyone else ever
read anything written by me for fear of something like being said like “what even is this?”. Realizing that
having other people read and critique my paper was key to writing a better paper helped me in so many
ways.
Too often we see people writing their points of view and not making a clear argument. This
leaves the reader with an unclear understanding of the point trying to be made in the writing.
I think if I write in the future I would like to be able to use what I have learned to write
persuasively in a way that is not opinionated to the point where it is a turn off to people. But I hope to
be able to write logically so people can understand my point of view and then agree or disagree but still
understand the view I hold.
One thing that helped me immensely in the writing process was, IW’s. It helped me start to just
write good or bad without too much fear of trying to make it perfect. I think free writes helped me just
start to write which in turn gave me more confidence to just start writing something even if it wasn’t
very great in my opinion. Writing in the IW’s and free writes and getting some feedback on how I could
improve them helped me realize I wasn’t as far off as I thought. And soon I felt much more comfortable
writing outside of free writes and IW’s.
I think this course did one thing in particular, and that is to make me a better writer. If one looks at
one of my first IW’s and then compares that to one written later. I believe I can see a more comfortable
writer making a bit more sense than at first. I think that the progress I see is the most triumphant point
for me in my own work. Just seeing that I can write on different topics and then improve them over the
semester was quite rewarding to be seen.
Being instructed by a teacher who would cares about how my papers turned out and gave helpful
insights into how to improve them helped me a lot. Without some helpful comments and tips on the
directions to take my paper I would have had a much harder time making the papers turn out as well
as I could. Having someone give helpful insight in papers I write in the future I feel is something I must
do. Having someone else give you ideas of where you can change certain things and improve is
something I have found key to writing. Getting feedback from other people who read my papers is a
must to improving.
WRIT 095
Name
Van Paepeghem
4 May 2012
Analysis Comment by Russ: Feels like the piece has taken a great revolution from where it first began. There’s good insistence on the material from the blog, and good critical analysis of the blog’s shortcomings. Perhaps a better article would have been even more useful for you, but this works well.
Adding Slabs of Muscle to your Chest.
In an blog I found called “Pound Your Chest” by
Bodybuilding
, I found an informative workout routine for anyone who is interested in bodybuilding and gaining muscle particularly on your chest. This article mainly appeals to bodybuilders and people interested in a routine that focuses on your upper pec muscles.
This blog is by an unknown writer called “bodybuilding”, I am not sure how reliable they are, but they seem to blog factual material because of the positive feedback they receive from users. I find them somewhat misleading at times, such as in this blog, when not enough information is given. They have an interesting philosophy, as it shows here in their blog, that heavy weight lifting will add “slabs of muscle to your chest”.
This blog starts out by stating the following: “Is heavy weight with low reps the best way to train chest? Or lighter weights with moderate to high reps? The simple yet somewhat convoluted answer: All of the above. The workout below is designed to help you build size and strength simultaneously. The heavy weight and weekly progression in the amount of weight used in the 5×5 portion of the training will add pounds to your bench, while the relatively high volume, rest-pause technique on dips, and stretching of the pecs on flyes will all work synergistically to add slabs of muscle to your chest.” The theory behind this is that pausing when doing dips will stretch you peck muscles out and give room for more growth.
This article has some good ideas, but fails to mention some of the key things to the success of bodybuilding. Such as the great importance of nutrition. And this blog does not seem to be very useful, it does not seem to be something you could take to the gym.
This blog article seems to be able to provide some ideas, but bringing it to the gym to actually use is something it lacks. It is not very useful as an actual workout program because it does not have a way to keep track of your workouts or progression in the gym. It ends up being something somewhat knowledgeable but not very useful for actual gym users.
While having tried the routine myself, I found it seemed to work well along with the proper diet. Along with the proper diet, different body types respond differently to building muscle. This routine is will not automatically work for everyone who tries it. This blog informs us this routine that will help to add a substantial amount of muscle.
In the blog it also states: “The key to gaining size and strength for any muscle group is to lift heavier weights as you go. start your first working set of bench and incline presses with five pounds more than you did the previous week. This will keep your strength levels and muscles growing steadily”.
Their theory of this workout appears to assume the key to building muscle is to just use their routine of lifting weights. This is only a half truth, and misleading at that. I would estimate that weight lifting is 40%, good nutrition is 40%, and
20%
is probably based on body type.
Having tried this workout myself, I found it to work well when I ate the right diet. But when I did not have the proper diet, I did not see the increases they speak of. They seem to focus a lot on just a part of what you need to add those “slabs of muscle” instead of also talking about the importance of the right diet and nutrition. They show a picture of a massive body builder as if to say, “just do this workout and you will look like him”. In reality, that body builder took years of dedication and diet and the right body type, along with a lot of workout routines such as this one, before he “added those slabs of muscle. In my own experience body types play a huge role in how easily you can develop muscle. I, for example, seem to build muscle quicker than some of my thinner built friends doing the same routines and having a similar diet. This blog seems to overlook what huge difference body types play in building muscle along with nutrient. The two other main components of building muscle.
I believe this workout article is not a bad workout, but I do find it somewhat misleading by making the reader get the wrong impression. The overly ambitious claims that just doing this one workout will suddenly “add slabs of muscle to your chest” seems to exaggerate the actual gains a person would see when following this blog.
I found this article informative to a point, but it lacks adding in the great importance of getting the proper nutrients your body needs and having the right body type. I think this blog puts too much focus on just weight lifting, which is only one aspect of bodybuilding.
This blog may not deceive a bodybuilder who already knows that you must have a solid diet in addition to routines such as is talked about. A beginning bodybuilder would most likely be misled, I feel, because they fail to talk about the importance of the right diet or body type. I would make sure you are not forgetting to just follow what this blog says, not everyone has the right body type to look like the massive bodybuilder they have pictured. It is almost as if they are saying, “just follow this workout and you will look like him”, which is not the case at all!
I would encourage you to try the routine for yourself next time you’re at the gym. Don’t expect “slabs of muscle” to suddenly appear after following this workout, without a proper diet and body type in addition to this workout.
WRIT 095
Name
Van Paepeghem
4 May 2012
Report Comment by Russ: Wow. Much better! We jump right into the subject without mincing words. Really quite incredible the kinds of information you were able to find and use in this piece. Some choppiness, but overall well researched and well developed.
The evolution of the football helmet
A-
91 and HA-92, these helmets were energy absorbing. Valves were inserted in the helmet around the players head and then were pumped to fit firmly around the head. Anti freeze solutions were occasionally even used in those helmets in extreme cold. The first person to design this “bladder” that they inflated and put in the helmet is still up for debate. (4) During the later part of 1976 there was a growing concern for the safety of football players. Thus it became a requirement to wear a four piece chin strap to hold the helmet securely in place.
This new technology caught on with the young up and coming football players. But the veteran players stayed with Riddell’s older TK-2 web suspension helmet. By the 1990s a new material was used to construct the football helmet called polycarbonate. This tough plastic was even used as car bumpers because of its strength and durability. Vinyl and foam was added into the helmet in layers to make a dense amount of padding that was able to take a lot of damage when being hit in a football game. This design was used until Riddell designed a new helmet called The Revolution. This new helmet was made specifically to lessen concussions and head injuries. These helmets could take 562 pounds of force in a study that was done on them by specialists at Ohio state university using baseballs shot from air canons. This was the largest amount of force ever to be withstood by a football helmet. Dr. Robert Cantu of Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, one of the nation’s leading experts in concussion management, called it “the greatest advance in helmet design in at least 30 years.”(5)
The first football helmets of the 1890s are hardly recognizable when compared to the high tech helmets of today. With the technology to prevent head injuries has came a safer helmet for football players on every level to use. There seems to be no helmet that can completely take out the possibility of a concussion while playing football, but the likelihood of a concussion today is much slimmer then the chances you had without one in the 1890s.The improvements that have been made since the first crude leather helmet of 1896, are staggering. Along with the Technology to bring us a safer helmet that can make players much safer when playing the rough sport of football has also came advanced training for the athlete. This has made the sport more dangerous. If we did not have the advanced football helmets and equipment for football players, I fear there would be many more serious injuries.
Sources: (1) Football Helmet http://www.enotes.com/topic/Football_helmet (2) Andrew Gaffney. (3) Past time sports: History of the football helmet. www.pasttimesports.biz/history.html (4 ) (A History of Football Helmets – The Early Days. www.getfootballhelmets.com/history-football-helmets.html (5) NY Times article by Alan Schwarz on October 27, 2007. (6)Fabulous 1890s Weekend http://pr.mansfield.edu/1890s/19centftbl.htm
WRIT 095
Name
Van Paepeghem
4 May 2012
Evaluation Comment by Russ: Good piece. It doesn’t try to do too much, nor does it appear to be too brief in its descriptiveness. Good work!
The Rocket Man.
This short story by Ray Bradbury is a sad story of a father who is a rocketman and is always gone from his family. This story is fictional, but I think the more important point is the emotional message of this story. This story deals with a father, mother and their son. The emotions of the family are very real to society today. The mother and son miss the dad and father so badly when he is gone on his job.
The story conveys such a strong emotion and sadness of a boy missing his father and how his father cannot pull away from the allure of outer space. There is a lot of conflict in the family emotionally with the dad and father of the family being gone so much. A lot of emotional stress is going on in this family. With the her husband being gone so much, his wife decides to try to find a way by asking her son for his help. The mother asks her son Doug to ask his father to stay. Doug says he will try, but when he talks to his dad they talk about everything besides him being a Rocket Man. The Rocket Man tells Doug on the last day, “when here you want to be out there, and when you’re out there you want to be here… I try to stay here, promise me you won’t be like me”. “Okay” Doug replies. This story shows how hard it is on a family for the father to be gone so often. The family does try to cope with him only coming back three or four times a year.
Doug once asks his mother why she treated him so coldly and then spoiled him. She then tells him that she thinks of him as dead and when he comes back that she only acts like he is a good memory. But sometimes she can’t hide her deeper feelings, and she worries he will die on one of his space travels to far away planets.
A fictional story like this can get across some even deeper meanings, like how the only way the wife can cope with her husband being gone so much, is to pretend he is dead. She does not know how else to cope, yet she still fears him dying out there which shows she does not truly believe her own made up lie. He does exist even if her mind tries to subtly believe in him as a fond memory when he comes back. Deep in her heart she cannot deny how she feels for him. And trying to convince her son to make him stay is another proof of her love for him. The Rocket Man himself is torn between his love for being a “Rocket Man”, and his love for his family. While in space he only wishes for home and his family, but when home he just wishes to go back to space. He seems to not be able to understand his own inner feelings. He cannot seem to break free from the dangerous life he lives. And ultimately it leads to his death of “crashing into the sun”.
This story conveys a deeper message, I believe, if one pays attention. It is a conflict in a family, a mother and father. The father cannot to seem to stay grounded to his family. His job seems to take priority over his family and it takes such a toll on his wife especially.
WRIT 095
Term 2012
Student:
Comments: While most students have a piece that works well for them in these portfolios, it seems that all three of your revised works are great examples of works you can look to for yourself. They’re clear and consistent, and as a result, illustrate the kind of writer you’re capable of being provided that you work through your papers with others. I’m very glad to see such remarkable changes in these pieces – nicely done.
|
Rubric |
Actual |
||
|
Informal Writing |
20% |
A+ |
|
|
Participation |
A | ||
| Portfolio |
60% |
A- | |
|
Final Grade |
100% |
