Background:
Women have made great strides in the workplace, especially since the 1960’s. However, all things are not equal, and there are still gaps in communication. Therefore, you will read the following articles and view the videos below to add to our knowledge of communication practices in the workplace.
To Read:
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5/29/2019 Council Post: Why It’s About Gaslighting, Not
The Nail
https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2019/05/28/why-its-about-gaslighting-not-the-nail/#772a1e827113 1/5
176 views | May 28, 2019, 08:30am
POST WRITTEN BY
Liz Guthridge
Helps leaders in new roles make a bigger impact faster. Neuroscience, behavior change, and communication.
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Why It’s About Gaslighting, Not
The Nail
Liz Guthridge Forbes Councils
Forbes Coaches Council CommunityVoice
It’s not about the nail.
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5/29/2019 Council Post: Why It’s About Gaslighting, Not The Nail
https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2019/05/28/why-its-about-gaslighting-not-the-nail/#772a1e827113 2/5
The 2013 video It’s Not About The Nail is about something more insidious —
stereotypical gender roles that to be hammered into our heads, often
without our awareness. These stereotypes surface in nearly all aspects of our
lives, including in the workplace.
In this less-than-two-minute video, a young woman complains to her
husband/boyfriend that he doesn’t listen to her. Meanwhile, the man tries to fix
the problem for his wife/girlfriend.
The woman (spoiler alert) has a nail in her forehead that’s the source of her pain
and frustration, but because she doesn’t want the man to tell her to just pull the
nail from her forehead, she comes across as irrational, overly emotional and
unstable. (Regardless of your gender, don’t you think you’d want to remove a nail
that’s causing your head to ache?) What she wants is for him to really listen to her
and respond to her feelings.
The video’s director, writer and male actor, Jason Headley, says his creation is
about communication — or, more accurately, miscommunication. It’s Not About
The Nail, which had garnered almost 18.5 million views by mid-May 2019, is also
about gaslighting.
Oxford Dictionaries defines gaslighting as “manipulating someone by
psychological means into accepting a false depiction of reality or doubting their
own sanity.” The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, which was made into
the 1944 Oscar-winning movie of the same name. In both, a husband tries to
convince his new, young wife that she’s going insane.
She notices the gas lights in their mansion brighten and dim, which puzzles her,
but her husband insists it’s a figment of her imagination. In truth, he’s
control
ling
the lights plus confusing her in other ways to influence her into believing she’s
losing her mind. His plan is to commit her to an insane asylum or perhaps even
murder her so he can get his hands on her inheritance.
For years, film buffs and healthcare professionals were about the only ones who
talked about gaslighting. Last year, though, gaslighting become one of the
contenders for the Oxford Dictionaries 2018 word of the year. The word’s
continue
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/word-of-the-year/shortlist-2018
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/word-of-the-year/word-of-the-year-2018
5/29/2019 Council Post: Why It’s About Gaslighting, Not The Nail
https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2019/05/28/why-its-about-gaslighting-not-the-nail/#772a1e827113 3/5
popularity took off when the public realized how aptly gaslighting describes the
tactics of many powerful men in business and politics.
When I first watched the nail video almost two years ago, I didn’t associate it with
gaslighting. Instead, I was puzzled as to why this trite video was used as the
opening hook to engage college seniors in a special session of their organizational
change class.
The professor had invited a successful entrepreneur to talk about his impressive
accomplishments and share career advice with the , who were all women
except for one man. Since I served as a mentor to the students, I was asked to join
them.
The entrepreneur launched his guest lecture by showing It’s Not About the Nail
and then immediately segued into talking about how he believed women are well
suited to lead in today’s VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous)
world. Combining a strong empowerment message with the nail video seemed
odd, but none of us said anything about the video while we were in the room.
Fast forward to this spring. As I was preparing for the All In For Women Summit
workshop that I co-facilitated in early May, the realization hit me: The
students
and I had experienced gaslighting in that classroom.
Who knows if the male entrepreneur was aware of the polarizing and conflicting
he was sending about gender and power. On the one hand, he was
reminding the women in the room that we’re emotional characters. And on the
other hand, he was encouraging us to take charge and lead in a VUCA world.
Whether the male entrepreneur was actively or unintentionally complicit in
continuing gender stereotypes is beside the point.
Instead, this is another example of how hard it is to identify and address the
many gender stereotypes that men and women have learned and accepted. These
stereotypes are so entrenched in our unconsciousness and culture that we assume
that’s the way things are.
students
messages
https://www.nafe.com/2019-all-in-for-women-summit
5/29/2019 Council Post: Why It’s About Gaslighting, Not The Nail
https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2019/05/28/why-its-about-gaslighting-not-the-nail/#772a1e827113 4/5
As I explained in a recent workshop, “Redefining Masculinity for a New
Leadership Mindset Lab,” traditional gender roles perpetuate the power
dynamics and inequalities that they historically are based on. Men traditionally
have exerted power over women, rather than shared power with women. The
power and men exhibit at work (and elsewhere) can make women feel
excluded, inferior and like even pawns.
If we want men and women to work together in an environment that feels safe
and inclusive for everyone, we’ve got to collectively address uneven power
dynamics and polarizing gender rhetoric.
That’s easier said than done. However, you can:
• Be curious. Learn more about gaslighting. For example, mental health
counselor Stephanie Sarkis writes frequently about the topic. Check out her
Forbes article “How to Cope With A Gaslighting Or Narcissist Boss” and her USA
Today opinion piece “Donald Trump Is a Classic Gaslighter in an Abusive
Relationship with America.” Watch the film classic Gaslight, the popular Mrs.
Doubtfire or the thriller What Lies Beneath.
• Be courageous. When you notice troubling behavior or feel something odd in
your gut, pay attention. Then talk about what you’re seeing and feeling with
friendly co-workers. Just ruminating about concerns and staying silent shows
complicity.
• Commit to taking actions. If you want to make your teams and your
workplace better for everyone, look for ways to help others speak up and
participate. Everyone deserves to be heard and feel included so they can fully
contribute.
We need to increase the speed and consistency with which we spot power
imbalances, plus any gaslighting, especially now that we have more awareness of
the name for the latter. Awareness will help us as we work to build bridges rather
than continue to hammer each other in the battle of the sexes. The end goal is
worth it: co-creating a more humane work environment that will help us improve
the way we work and achieve better outcomes.
control
https://www.forbes.com/sites/stephaniesarkis/2019/03/29/coping-with-a-gaslighting-or-narcissist-boss/#644dff0e6097
https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2018/10/03/trump-classic-gaslighter-abusive-relationship-america-column/1445050002/
5/29/2019 Council Post: Why It’s About Gaslighting, Not The Nail
https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2019/05/28/why-its-about-gaslighting-not-the-nail/#772a1e827113 5/5
Liz Guthridge Forbes Councils
Helps leaders in new roles make a bigger impact faster. Neuroscience, behavior change, and
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