Due Saturday Morning
GANDOM
“Gandom, I want you to travel with me to Turkey. It’s time you learned more about the tapestry industry outside of just our family business.” Gandom’s father said.
Lately, Gandom’s father had been utilizing his young daughter in the family tapestry business. He had 3 daughters and Gandom was the youngest. She was a very lovely young lady with olive colored skin, seductive eyes like a Columbian emerald, and flowing jet black hair. She had grown and learned quite a bit about her father’s business and was ready to get a more in-depth view of the tapestry business.
“Father, I look forward to the meetings in Turkey.” Gandom is very concerned with pleasing her father and making him proud of how much of an interest she had taken in the family business. Her father is quite protective of his daughters, so whenever they travel or are out and about in their town of Kurdistan, he assigns bodyguards to follow them around.
As they arrived in Turkey and checked into the hotel, the day was turning out to be a beautiful sunny day. It was a balmy day with a cool breeze as if you were on the sandy beaches of Tahiti. Instead of attending a pre-set business meeting, Gandom’s father sends her instead. Little does she know, the meeting is set with Burak, a competing tapestry businessman who has just taken over his father’s business at a young age.
Burak was a handsome young man with strong facial features, tanned brown skin, deep dark brown eyes, and wavy jet-black hair.
The meeting was set and Gandom was nervous because she had no idea what to expect. As she departed the hotel, her bodyguards took every necessary precaution to protect their young client.
When they arrived at Burak’s offices, they were greeted by his assistant and lead to the conference room where Burak was waiting for them.
When Gandom entered the conference room, she was surprised to see such a young man running such a large and wealthy company. Her father had not told her that the meeting was with his competition and the original owner’s son was now running the business.
As the two’s eyes met, it was almost an instant attraction, love at first site, “Romeo and Juliet” type feeling; this only proved to make the meeting awkward.
“Hello. I am Gandom. My father has sent me to talk to you about some business opportunities between our companies.”
Burak replied, “It is wonderful to meet you Gandom. I look forward to working with you and your father.”
The meeting continued awkwardly with each transition.
As they concluded their meeting, Gandom and Burak exchange business cards so they can stay in touch, however, their personal cell phone numbers are listed but only for “business purposes”.
As Gandom returns to the hotel to see her father, she can’t help but wonder why her father would send her to such a meeting without telling her who she was meeting with. Nonetheless, she begins to think more about Burak and how strikingly good looking he was. She began to think about what kind of life they could have only after having such a brief meeting with him. Burak was doing the same as he finished up some work in his office. He had never laid eyes on such a beautiful, innocent businesswoman in all his years of helping his father with the family business.
“How was the meeting?” Gandom’s father asked as she entered the hotel suite. “It was good. He was very knowledgeable of the tapestry industry and answered a lot of my questions.” Gandom paused and wondered Could Father know much about Burak? Could he be able to answer some of my thoughts about him without telling him what I really thought or felt?
“Father,” Gandom began, “I thought the owner of the company was an older gentleman?”
“No, he recently retired and gave the business to his son. You two have much in common; both being groomed to run the family business.”
“He seemed so young, very bright and energetic.” Gandom said with some affection in her voice. She wondered if her father caught it. “Yes, you and he are around the same age. That’s what this business needs—young, bright, and energetic to continue on. The world is changing and it needs that kind of leadership behind it.”
After dinner and a stroll with her father on the beach, Gandom began to get ready for bed. As she was getting ready, her phone vibrated. It was great meeting you today. I look forward to working with in. You are a very beautiful woman. If you’re not busy tomorrow, I would like to take you out to dinner before you and your father leave to go home. Gandom’s eyes lit up with this message. She began to smile and her hands got really cold and started getting nervous then she replied I would very much enjoy an evening out with you to dinner. I will meet you at 6pm in the hotel restaurant for dinner.
The next evening, they met for dinner. Gandom was concerned that her father might find out as she and her father were Shia Muslims and Burak was Sunni Muslim. A relationship between the two was forbidden, but this didn’t stop them from meeting and falling further in love.
After her return to Kurdistan, Gandom and Burak continue a secret love affair, seeing each other when Gandom travels with her sisters and when she comes to Turkey for their “business meetings.”
In time, their love has grown fully and Burak wants to marry Gandom. He gets the courage up to travel to Kurdistan to ask Gandom’s father for her hand in marriage. When he arrives to do so, Gandom’s father is angered and everything blows up.
“You cannot marry my daughter. You have dishonored me and my family by seeing each other without my permission. You are not Shia and your business is out doing my business. I will not have such dishonor and disrespect in my household.” Gandom’s father’s face was firebird red and he was fuming as he fired of his response to Burak’s request.
Burak makes a tough decision at this moment because he has fallen in love with Gandom and doesn’t want to lose her over simply family business and traditions.
“Sir, I will renounce my Sunni faith and become Shia. I love your daughter and I very much want to marry her and start a family and life together. I will do whatever it takes to have Gandom as part of my life.”
Soon after this meeting, Burak becomes Shia Muslim and gives up his father’s business. After he has done this, he became the son that Gandom’s father never had bringing his expertise in the tapestry industry to help strengthen and grow his already successful tapestry business.
Revisions:
-I like how the story starts off with a quote because it immediately personalizes a character and sets into motion some form of action. Briefly, make sure the first line of all your quotes is indented half an inch, and that, at least in this case, that you have a comma leading into the tagline.
-Your second paragraph is excellent because it immediately allows us to catch a glimpse of your main character. Great line: “seductive eyes like a Columbian emerald.”
-Make sure you avoid combining tenses. It looks like we have both past and present tense jockeying for position here.
-In her first mention back to her father, does she at least think of any reservations regarding the trip, though? The reason why this might be important is that it might set into motion emerging conflict on her part.
-It might also be a good idea to describe Turkey a bit more, such as significant landmarks, etc. Describing the weather is fine, but see if you can allow us to “see” the city for those of us who may not be familiar with this historic city.
-Do we need a bit more of an introduction to the young man, Burak?
-Always remember to indent your paragraphs as well.
-I’m not sure I understand the line about their cell phone numbers being only listed for business purposes. Is this a piece of information that will be significant later on?
-Do we need any information about why the two were meeting in the first place?
-Following her mention of the first who meeting, does the father start to quiz her back on how she felt about the young man? I say this because he may start to suspect why she is so interested!
-Certainly, her father would have known that the young man was Sunni, right?
-The following line on page 3 seems to come up too soon:
A relationship between the two was forbidden, but this didn’t stop them from meeting and falling further in love.
-Naturally, by page 4 they are fully involved. You might want to consider pulling back the reins just a bit because the action of the story really gets going a bit too rapidly. Keep in mind, I’m not so concerned that the story is actually finished; rather, I am more concerned that you are happy with the product and the momentum!
New Assignment:
Hopefully, by this time, you have considered what constitutes an author’s unique voice and how your own unique voice is emerging within your prose. Is it? To this effect, select a passage from your story that conveys what you perceive to be your original voice emerging in your prose by Saturday, May 4, 2013. Include the passage (try to limit it to approximately 1/3 page) and analyze why you consider this passage indicative of your individual style, isolating specifics. Then select another passage of equal or lesser length that displays at least a partial display of setting. Comment on how you believe your use of setting is successful and where it can use some work
